Little Engine

I think I can, I think I can, I hope I can, I maybe can, I don't think I can, I can't, I really really can't. Why is this the constant dialogue running through my mind? I just spent an amazing 4 days attending the Wedding and Portrait Professionals International conference here in Las Vegas, you have heard me refer to it as WPPI. I am working on blogging about wppi but I wanted to write my feeling down while they are fresh in my mind.

self-con·fi·dence (slfknf-dns)n. Confidence in oneself or one's own abilities.

Sounds simple enough right? I have abilities that the lord has blessed me with. I work hard to refine and perfect those abilities. So why is it they are good enough for me but when it comes to sharing those abilities with the world self doubt enters in. When ever I think abut this the old SNL sketch with Stuart Smalley plays in my mind "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and dog gone it people like me."

Just listen to the first 20 seconds or so the rest is dumb!

If you couldn't tell by now I'm a little bit crazy about photography. It brings me joy like no hobby I have ever had. I hesitate to even say this because you may not agree with me but I think I'm pretty good at it. (did you see that, I couldn't even write my own assessment of my abilities with out putting that disclaimer in there before hand due to my lack of self confidence.) I sat through so may amazing classes at wppi the past few days and would come out of each one of them totally jazzed saying to myself "yeah I can totally do that, that is what i want for me and my business" but eventually that little voice in the back of my mind so quietly creeps in and says "sure you can revamp your marketing and totally adjust your branding to be more consistant and why not throw in offering more products in you selling but your still not good enough to charge people to take pictures." (totally Satan my the way, I figured that one out at least, I know he is happiest when we are having self doubt and struggling)

So how do I get rid of that little voice in my head filling me with self doubt? (btw why is it ok for Satan to get in my head, I don't want him there he should just leave) Here is where you come in my little following. I don't want to hear, "you are such a great photographer, I hear that all the time and apparently it's not giving me what I need, what I need form you is the answer to that question up there...How do I get rid of that nagging voice in my head, telling me i suck? My girl Jenny came to town and spent the last 4 days putting up with my big mouth and oboxious laugh but we had so much fun and laugh (albeit obnoxciously) we did. He answer to that question was to fake it til you make it and while I like that idea it has been really hard for me to do that. Last summer when I went live with my business I went full on gang busters and right out of the gate full and did tons. I had one session go bad and instead of picking myself up and getting right back out there I came to a screeching halt, I crawled under my bed and hid form the world. I would have a little panic attack whenever I would see a new e-mail in my photography e-mail account, I even went as far as to unsubscribe to all the newsletters I was getting so I wouldn't have to see that little bold (1) in my inbox. I haven't done 1 session since that last bombed session. A lot of the classes I went to at wppi talked about how you need to fail to succeed, UM Yeah... I pretty much just have failures because instead of picking myself up, brushing it off and getting back out there i just quit. (wow I just scanned back to the top of this and it's turning into a really long post) I'm just going to wrap it up now and ask if you like tell me what you do when you feel this way. I know 98% of my blog readers are women and moms so I know you have all felt this way at one time or another so help a sister out (and by sister I mean sister not sista cuz I'm not from the ghetto and I hate it when people pretend to be) and tell me what you think!!

BTW I ♥♥♥ you all who come faithfully and read my stupid rantings about my boring life ♥♥♥ you!
And since it's against the law to post without a picture here is my girl Jenny at the Las Vegas sign that I in 32 to years of living here had never been to!

03.07.10  A First


k8theriver said...

i don't know how to get rid of the voice so i'll just tell you what you've already heard--you are a good photographer.

Andrew and Heidi said...

When something goes wrong, it's hard to get back out there. I would have done the same thing. Maybe the answer is baby steps....start out just trying out your new ideas on family and friends who you know and trust and slowly work you're way back up to full speed photography sessions. You are definitely talented and we all think so :)

marykaye said...

Let's be serious. you. are. AWESOME.
i covet your skills:)

also, i say "sista" on occasion but since where i grew up in LV is now technically deemed "the ghetto" perhaps i can get away with it??? ;)

Kim Marx said...

If you find the answer to your questions, you'll make more money from that than you ever will in photography. Just sayin.

Pres. Packer suggests singing your favorite hymn.

I find that I get rid of it the same way you are now, ponder the situation, mull it around, think about it, talk about it, and move forward.

Everyone has mistakes and failures. You've chosen an area that has a strong emotional attachment involved. Let's face it if we install a sewer at a wrong slope it causes problems but no one is screaming at us that their one and only special day was ruined.

Learn from what happened and move forward. Honestly, put it behind you and get back out there.

With your love, passion and skills, you will be great.
And gosh darn it, people like you.

Melanie said...

Sometimes it seems nearly impossible to quiet those voices, but don't give up. Talk back to them and tell them they're lying and you know the truth! Or find another voice (music, scriptures etc.) to listen to until the liars quiet down. I read an article this morning that might be helpful. It is titled "Not Good Enough".

Love you Kristin!

L~ said...

um, look back to where you started, and see how far you've come. As for those nay saying voices in your head? tell them to PROVE IT. they might just find it hard to do. I happen to admire your work and try to measure up to YOU - would you tell me to quit b/c I don't measure up? nope - you'd say - keep at it! Be as kind to you as you are to others. ~the end~