Last night Bonnie woke up at about 11:30 p.m. crying, she's had a bad dream. I was not to excited about getting up to deal with it because I had just dozed of in to the wonderful bliss of nothingness that comes with sleep. Terry had just entered some sort of REM cycle because he wasn't budgin'. So I got out of bed and went to settle the girl down. As I lay next to her in her little twin bed and she reached over and put her arm around my neck like she does when she's sleepy I thought wow, I can't believe I didn't want to get up and experience this. My baby, my BABY, is not a baby anymore and she is growing up so fast. I always wanted my kids to get bigger and now that I know we are done having babies I find myself constantly looking for the pause button. I think I really missed out on so much of when my older kids were little because I just wanted them to move on tho the next phase of life. I used to say,
"I just can't wait til they sleep through the night"
"I just can't wait till they can walk on their own"
" I just can't wait until they are in school"
and now I wish I could go back and suck up all the things I missed out on because I was just biding my time until I had more freedom. Now here I am the mom of an almost teenager who for all intents and purposes has the attitude of a teenager, a 10 year old who never has been anything but a teenager since she was 3, a boy who is finishing up kindergarten and a baby who's not really a baby anymore, I think the baby disappeared when I tossed the last of the diapers. Now I find myself not only looking for the pause button but the rewind button. I know I have done so many things wrong in my journey of motherhood but I just wish I could go back and remember all of the things I have forgotten. I wish I had been more vigilant at taking home videos and tape recordings. I have lots of pictures but you can't hear a 4 year old's giggle in a picture. So for all of you moms out there od little ones, take some time to suck up the littleness while you can because it is gone all to quickly and you will find yourself with way to many regrets.


After Bonnie had a hard time falling back to sleep she asked if she could come sleep in my bed but knowing that no one sleeps well when she is in our bed including her I made a compromise that she could make a bed and sleep on the floor by me. When Terry got out of bed this morning, she grabbed her blankets and climbed into my bed so she could snuggle me. It was the best!


Melanie said...

And guess what? Later on you'll find yourself saying, I wish I had enjoyed the teen years more when s/he was still living at home. So it's not too late. Just do your best to find joy in every stage of life. I'm working on it!

Melanie said...

Beautiful Bonnie pics BTW!!

Janae said...

I think this is one of the very sneaky tricks of motherhood...we wait and "can't wait" for some freedom and then we get a bit and just want to go back to where we were! It's definitely an ongoing struggle...I think that once we recognize it, that's at least a good start?i have no good answers.
Such sweet pictures of sleeping Bonnie:)

Jeanna Hayes said...

I love that your daughter's name is Bonnie! That's my grandma's name and I've always wanted to use that name for a daughter :). Hopefully I can get my husband on my side for that before we have another girl one day (hopefully :).

I know all about the "pause" button wish! Sometimes I do that anyway, mentally. I'll just stop and appreciate a certain moment. It's amazing how those are the moments I remember the most, afterwards!

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