Mothers Day

05.09.10 Mother's Day

(me and my punks, Colby 6 in 2 weeks, Sam 10. Bonnie 2, and Brett 12)

I've never been a huge fan of Mother's Day in the past 8 or so years. You may ask why on earth would I not like a day to celebrate my calling in life, the most important thing I will ever do. Well the issues I have stem partly because of the pressures and expectations I have on myself that are indefinitely thrust in my face on this day. As I sit in Sacrament meeting it never fails that some man or woman stands at the pulpit and speaks of amazing mothers everywhere and then the guilt ensues. I am not the mother I wish to be. Though I try hard everyday almost everyday when the night falls and all my kids are in bed and I have a minute to reflect on my day I feel that excruciating guilt about the kind of mother I was that day. All of that is compounded on Mother's Day. A day set aside for honoring these great women, a group of women that I feel only a part of most of the time because I gave birth 4 times, not because I am what I would describe as a great mother. Now I will most definitely get comments telling me that I am being to hard on myself and that I am a good mother but the lord gave us the ability to feel guilt so that we may grow and improve. I just wish that my guilt was not for this. I want my kids to grow up knowing that they had the best mom in the world. I want my kids to say like my husband did yesterday "I think I'll put my 'mom is better than your mom' as my facebook status...no I better not because it's not funny when it's true and it will just make people feel bad!" I think that was one of the nicest things a son could say about his mother and where did my mind go when he said those things...Yep "his mom is way better of a mother that I could ever hope to be." Now while I did have a wonderful day in the sense that my kids got along and were cooperative for the most part, my husband took care of most everything that is my usual responsibility and even topped of the day with a chocolate cake I went to bed feeling like garbage because I know that I am not fulfilling the duties given to a mother. I need to go back to my word of the year that I have been neglecting and work on finding more JOY. I will do better so that next year when Mothers day comes I can say yeah, I did my best and am proud of the mother I am and hope my kids are too!

On a side note I hope you all had a wonderful mothers day surrounded by the people you love!


k8theriver said...

i feel the same way. i am ruining my kids. i really feel that chloe would be better off with a different mother.
but i'm not giving up! i'll keep trying to improve.

Melanie said...

LOOOOOVE the photo of you and your kids! You are a great mom because if you get a little off track you remember to go back to the JOY! Happy Mother's Day cousin!

stacy t said...

i think it's a feeling every mother has. and you know how i feel - not a big fan of any day that puts anything or anyone on a pedestal for one day. it's insane!! puffy heart you.....and you are a good mom....i can tell.

Heather said...

Everyone feels that way.
No one is a perfect mother.
They are not even though you think they are and it may appear that they are, because NO ONE is perfect.
You see others best self and you are comparing it to your worst self. That's not fair to you.
I get what your saying, and I can relate.
Stop being so hard on yourself though. Life is not perfect, kids are not perfect. It's how we roll with it that matters.
Whether you think you are or not, you are a good mom. Your kids love YOU and you are what they need.
hang in there. This whole mothering thing is HARD!
stepping of my soapbox.

karibates said...

I am so with you! WHY do we do this to ourselves?

Beautiful picture, though. Give yourself points for that ;)